Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
How funny!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.