Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

hackers play passwordle

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?