Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

😭