Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.