Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

A ghost story

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

THIS HEADLINE

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.