Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

God, I love Scotland

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs