Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.