Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.