me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
British websites use biscuits.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for