Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me