Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
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Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
freezing your eggs now has a whole new meaning
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
PLOT TWIST:
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face