Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
plums roundup
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.