Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

fired

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

only writing recipes in wordart from now on