Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Me trying to “trust the process”

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”