Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.