Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.