Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Breaking news:
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.