Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired