me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.