Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google