Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.