Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

I hate my earbuds.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

💀🤣

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.