Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”