Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am, perchance

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

That’s commitment

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

A Short Story.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀