Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

so weird how every mom was born today

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*