Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

ㅤ

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

🍂🕷️🍂