Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Breaking news:

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

The legends were true

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.