Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER