Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”