Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class