Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”