Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!