me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
The Punning Dead.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Um … Hot Wings please
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway