me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
There is no “we” in pizza
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I have so many questions.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*