me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
This story is comedy gold 😂
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.