me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
You Might Also Like
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing