me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
She knows her part so well!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?