Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

She knows her part so well!

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?