My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
A passion inside me burns. It’s called chlamydia.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.