Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.