Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

can’t believe I got front row seats

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

😐

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.