Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

✌️

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

best first i’ve ever seen

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”