ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”