Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

me after drinking all the wine:

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

I cannot call her anything else now

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.