Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

is this how new cars are made??

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now