me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.