Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Support your local cemetery
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.