Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused