Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.