me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
💯😂
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.