Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Velcrow

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.