me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My dog learned how to text
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.