me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit