Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Thrilling chase underway

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad