[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
You Might Also Like
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
What’s a Messi?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…