Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out