Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Artwork by Herta Burbe

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.