Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton