Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

My inexpensive home security system…

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

🥃

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.