People who write hai and bai, wai?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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“Good luck with your little skits!”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
what day is it?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
She said no!
*sobs tears of joy*
-me after proposing
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”