[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
called in thicc to work this morning
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore