@ArfMeasures

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

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@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@envydatropic

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

@tastefactory

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

@shutupmikeginn

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

@Spaziotwat

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

@girlziplocked

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”