Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
sigh
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine