[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.