Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

I’m ready to try another planet.

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

My neck, my back, my…

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT