Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Baking is just science you can eat.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.