Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

im all 3

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude