Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Monday

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit