Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

u spoke cat all this time??????

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Potatoes were such a good idea

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

In space, no one can hear…

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground