Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t