Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

I was bored.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????