Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

unbelievably distressed by this ad

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

The Compass