Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.