Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?