Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
You Might Also Like
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
What a chick magnet..
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.