me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Saturday
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one