Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?