Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Holy moly
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.