Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

never deleting this app.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?