Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than