Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

this is a sign that you need a union

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?