Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sheep

Coffee is ready.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.